Sarah Sheveltong Reporting
Bainbridge, Iowa (NWNI) --
AMAZING SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH
LOCAL BUMPKIN INVENTS TIME TRAVEL
For most people, opening a window is not all too exciting. But for Wilmer Chuntley, opening the window in his living room is an adventure of discovery. Every morning when Wilmer's pudgy fingers pull the cord to the window blinds, his beady little eyes gaze upon a different landscape in a different era of time. Through the random coupling of a several microwaves, a blue ray player and several hundred feet of copper tubing, Wilmer was able to do something no other human has ever done before. His invention is able to breach dimensional barriers enabling his house to travel across the void of history.
Wilmer has absolutely no academic training. As Wilmer would say "I'm not all that well learned." But he has made scientific breakthroughs that would make most scientists wet themselves with girlish glee. Which actually happened in Stockholm, Sweden when news of Wilmer's accomplishments were first revealed to the International Science Type Person Association (I.S.T.P.A.). Dr. Jurgen Shmatz promptly released full control of his bowels upon hearing of Wilmer's "voyage of discovery". Even though most of the voyage involved Wilmer self admittedly scratching all points south and spritzing the house with the sickly sweet scent of flatus. When asked how he came up with such a miraculous discovery Wilmer replied "I's tryin to do like a "Weird Science" type thing with them microwaves and such. Try and make me a lady friend. But instead it just gave me power over time and space. I guess that's life, huh?"
Wilmer has made multiple amazing excursions through history. "Yeah I met Jesus once. I told him all about all the people that worship him and such. He said that everybody blew his act way out of proportion, then he laughed and said "Well that's show business"."
Wilmer has a passion for the American founding fathers. "Yeah, those guys know how to have a good time, I'll tell you what. Benjamin Franklin helped me lose my virginity. He knew lots of easy ladies and he taught me several techniques. He showed me how to do the "Liberty Bell" The ladies really like that one. He also took three ladies at once to a Tea Party. He went down a line of laughing ladies saying "dunk dunk dunk dunk the teabag". I visit Ben all the time and bring him presents. He loves Cheetos."
Wilmer did not know that time travel was something unique. "When I came back from Dinosaur land I told Debbie at the Circle K about the time traveling I'd been doing. She said that nobody ain't done that before. So I told the lady at the college about it. Now all these News folk and people in science coats want to talk to me. I guess I could take a few with me on my next vacation. I's thinkin about goin to meet that Teddy Roosevelt. I heard he was a bunch of fun and such.
A lottery is being held to choose which members of the scientific community will join Wilmer on his next trip. This humble reporter has already been confirmed as a guest. The rest of the team is still being chosen. We are due to depart in one week. I can tell you personally that this opportunity is a once in a lifetime experience and I am honored to be chosen to bring you this story. I will be frank and honest with my reporting and I hope you all enjoy reading about our adventures in "Wilmer Chuntley's Chrononavigatio Bungalow".
Until next time, this is Sarah Sheveltong for NewsRod World News International.