Sunday, August 7, 2011

Dear Popular Irony...

I am a 26 year old female living in Michigan, and I need help with my roommate (pretty please).  I work in the day and she goes to school in the evening, so we rarely see each other.  But when we do, we always argue!  She and her boyfriend are way too loud when I am trying to sleep (eew!)  and I suspect she has been stealing from me.  I want her to move out but we signed a year lease just four months ago, and she says she will not move out.  I can’t afford to find a new place or break the lease, so I feel trapped!
Mistreated in Michigan

Well, well.  Mistreated indeed.  Living with another person, particularly a stranger, can be a very frustrating experience.  Most people are only used to living with family and are not prepared for the conflict in personalities.  The good news is that I have some options for you, all designed to resolve your situation on the most agreeable terms for yourself.
You mentioned she has a boyfriend.  If she has that support system in place she will be able to withstand the awkwardness between you.  I suggest sabotaging her birth control, which can be done in a variety of ways depending on her method.  As soon as she is pregnant her boyfriend will likely leave her, and she will go running home to mother or applying for housing assistance.  And if either of them figure out that the birth control has been tampered with then sit back and enjoy the show!  Both parties will be convinced the other is trying to have a force a baby into the situation, and in the most deviant way possible.  Either way the relationship is over.
Your other option is to get the law involved to remove her from the residence.  This is easily done with a little preparation.  First thing you must plant the seeds for future evidence.  Go onto facebook, twitter, and talk to some friends that don’t know your roommate, and leave hints that your roommate might be dealing drugs.  Wait at least one week, and get your hands on a felony level amount of your choice of drugs.  Get a hold of your roommate’s cell phone and hack into her voicemail and change the voicemail message to one taking orders for drugs, and include pricing.  Call 911 on her phone and then hang up.  Plant the evidence in her room and wait for the police to show up (someone has to be there to let them in).
I sure hope this helps you resolve your problem.  Next time get an apartment by yourself, then you only have to intimidate/blackmail your neighbors.

Popular Irony

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